I’m a type personality who loves to get things done. To quote stregnthfinders, I’m an “achiever”. I’ve taken the test twice and it’s been on there twice. It’s true. I cannot deny it. I hate spinning my wheels. I want to accomplish things. I have big dreams and big plans, and I plan on getting them done. I know everything until then is just a part of the process. I don’t falter; I don’t worry; I keep lists. Lists remind me there is a bigger plan as I accomplish the smaller picture in the now. I love it.
Feeling productive is great. Being unemployed, while in summer, on a break from graduate school should be amazing. It should be relaxing. There should be moments of celebration as my schedule is not crammed full and I’m actually able to get eight hours of sleep.
Some days it is.
However, this week has not been one of those weeks.
I want a job. I’m ready for school to start (I cannot believe I’m actually saying this). I’m thankful God has given me this time to relax and recoup from a crazy year, but I’m beginning to feel a lack of productivity. I hate this feeling.
Yes, I’m restless. The hunting is tiring and frustrating. I know it’ll happen in God’s timing and I have no doubt in this – He has me here for a reason. He has judged me worthy to go through this season. I know I can handle it.
I am handling it.
Yet, some days are hard.
Hard days remind me my God is faithful. Hard days remind me to plug in – to create things to be productive, create my own routines. It’s in this week I’ve realized how I’ve finally hit this place in my journey. It’s time to get moving. Time to set routines. Time to pretend I have a schedule to keep.
It won’t solve everything but it will help me feel normal.
I’m thankful I love to read. I’m thankful this summer I’ve been able to read books for fun and not class. I’m thankful I’ve been able to read theology and fiction. It’s a blessing to read and know I don’t have to write a paper on it or even take a dreadful quiz. I’m grateful I can sit back and blog and not worry about the thoughts of “I should be studying”. I’m thankful I can watch movies and television shows without worrying about neglecting studies. I’m thankful I can relax and be me, hang out with my family and heal wounds which have been reopened and nurse wounds which are being made. I’m thankful for the summer season of relaxing. At twenty-five it is not one I could choose to create.
There are bills to pay and life to be had. I’m not fifteen anymore and living in a teenage dreamworld. But every now and then, even if unemployment forces you to, it is nice to slow down and remember there is more to life then the rat race, then the hustle and bustle of life.
It is great at times to model and remember that sometimes the only requirement you have is to simply be present and let God take care of the rest. He’s got everything in control, why should I worry? I’ll just be present, authentic, real and let Him do His thing through me, in me and for me. He knows the plan far better then I ever could.
So maybe I’m not being productive, but sometimes productivity needs to be replaced with presentness. I’m always so busy being productive, at times I miss out on being present.
Jesus, let me remember to be present as life increases speed shortly. Let me not forget these lessons You are teaching Your son now.
Let me be present, not just productive.